My DeaR JuLy

Oleh kerana telah lama tidak menjengah masuk..."Assalammualaikum..."

Today is the 3rd day of Ramadhan, happy fasting everyone!! Semoga Ramadhan kali ini lebih bermakna dan penuh rahmat berbanding tahun-tahun sebelumnya..insyaAllah :)

Aku bukan nak blog pasal puasa. Masing-masing dah tau apa yang patut dan tak patut buat sepanjang bulan puasa ni..so, fikir-fikirkan dan selamat beramal~~~

I'm going to talk about July. Yup, July was supposed to be my month, my happy month..unfortunately..

I had an accident a day before my 29th birthday. Alhamdulillah, I did not suffer any injuries, well maybe my heart were bleeding a bit..haha..poor my baby (forgive me, I am so attached to my car~~). 4 biji kereta dan aku tak ingat punca accident. Siapa brek mengejut, siapa langgar siapa dulu..yang aku ingat aku menjerit.."aaaaaaa..". Kemalangan malang itu berlaku seawal pagi, while I was on my way to work. Bila dah accident tu, lambat je aku nak keluar kereta. Bukan sebab menggigil, takut ke apa tapi sebab hujan, aku takde payung!..hahaha..lepas dah tengok kondisi kereta masing-masing dan bertukar-tukar info, mangsa-mangsa meninggalkan tempat kejadian..aku tak pergi jauh pun, menyusur ke kiri jalan ke arah bus stop..sebab kereta memang dah tak boleh nak drive jauh. 30 minit selepas kejadian, baru aku tengok keadaan sebenar kereta aku. "Oho!!..teruk gak ni...sure mak ayah bising satgi niii.." (f.y.i, mak ayah aku tak bebel pun..fuhhh~~ :) ) Somehow, I was lucky gak la..pakcik polis tak saman aku, kalau tak..RM300..perhh..mekaseh inspektor shahab!! Dalam pukul 1130 a.m, semua settle..buat repot, kereta kena tow then straight to workshop..yang poyonya, mamat-mamat tow truck tu, sengal la dok sms-sms aku nak berkenalan..palelutut la wey!!!..hati tengah sakit, jangan ngengada nak tambah ye~ p/s: aku bolayan je sume. Ok, itu bukan highlight of the whole story ya..isunya, aku accident sehari sebelum birthday..so, there was no celebration (yes, my mak bought me a cake..maybe to cheer me up~~). Aku mandom je hari birthday aku (er..ni bukan cubaan meraih simpati ye..haha)..Ketiadaan kelisa biru di hadapan rumah menambahkan lagi kemandoman aku hari tu...waaaaaaaaaa~~~~~~

Satu lagi insiden di bulan Julai..my-so-called-friend, hurt my feeling. It's not the first time la benda camni jadi..I thought I can get over it, tapi susah la..cause aku appreciate kawan-kawan aku. Aku tak cari kawan-kawan aku bila aku susah sahaja, bila aku happy, sedih, susah ke senang, aku share dengan kawan-kawan (walaupun tak semua)..tapi manusia ni, cari aku bila susah..bila sedih..time-time camtu terhegeh-hegeh la cari aku nak mengadu, nak mintak pendapat bla bla bla. Bila senang / happy, lupa la kat kawan yang sorang ni. So, jangan nak blame aku, kalau aku buat-buat lupa akan kewujudan kau even kau tecongok depan aku sekalipun! Aku benci kawan yang camni! Tak kira lelaki / perempuan. Aku pun bukan la kawan yang tip top but at least I was there when you needed me. I make time for you. Can't you at least appreciate that?! Eeeeeee..aku benci la kat kauuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!! Sekarang kau pada aku hanyalah seorang insan asing. Aku anggap aku tak pernah kenal kau. Ya, perangai aku ni mungkin tak semengah tapi perangai kau tu lagi busukkkkkkkkk!!!! Aku rasa aku pun tak rugi apa-apa kalau tak kenal kau. We were strangers then, and I want it to remain that way~~

Julai..you left me with scars. Some of it will dissapear but some may not. Aku yakin sepenuh hati, ada hikmah Allah untuk aku. Looking on the bright side, my baby will look brandly new (hopefully~~) and that so-called-friend, is no longer a friend.. which means I don't have to give a **** about. Thanks July..you may gave me bad memories / experience but ironically you have made my life easier :)

16.05.2011

My thought as at 9:17 a.m.

...I may have broke your heart, but fear not...someone else already broke mine..r u happy now?

11.05.2011

My thought as at 11.15 a.m.

I realized once again that..I will do much better and feeling a lot lighter if I just be happy over someone elses happiness..

note to myself: dear heart, chill ok..it's not worth it pun.. :)

MaY The 9th

my thought as at 16:05 p.m.:-

good things doesn't always happen to a good person..makes me wonder, should i be the opposite then?..but wait a minute!..am i a good person to begin with?hahahahahahaha..

For YouR iNfo..

Just so you know..your words have wounded me..I can't quite erase them 'till now..hope someday I will, cause I really don't want to hate you..

BaD DaY

It's not easy to be a good child..but I'll never stop trying..the least I can do is to please my parents even if my heart screaming for help.

Last Saturday, I went to my ayah's brother's birthday. When I knew about the event, I didn't want to go. My mak knew I will never ever go. Unfortunately, I had too since my mom was going to Kelantan. So, being a nice daughter as always, I just went along.

Bila aku ternampak nama dan tempat majlis..terus hati jadi jahat.."bluekkkk!!..perlu ke buat setinggi-tinggi tingkat..eeishhh!!". Sampai ke tingkat majlis, siap daftar nama lagi.."amboi..poyo giler!!"..nama aku tiada dalam senarai, hanya nama alias (eja nama ayah aku pun salah..bongok!!)dan nab (nama mak aku zainab..bongok bongok bongok!). Si perempuan terus suruh kami ke meja 2. As I entered the room, I was..("what the!!!)..Apparently, there was a dress code. Ladies pakai baju ala-ala jubah yang kembang-kembang, yang memang in trend la sekarang and gentlemen pakai formal attire. Aku siap nampak cousin aku pakai coat lagi! Me? I wore my jean and my favourite blue dress. Nampak sangat la, orang yang tak dapat proper invitation kan..nevertheless, I looked beautiful as always..muahahaa..Sampai di meja..("siyesly, perlu ke aku duduk sini..mengadap muka-muka niii..arrrghhhh!!!). Dengan hipokritnya aku senyum sambil salam dan bertanya khabar..(sure huduh giler muke aku time tu..wahaha).

Ya, manusia yang paling aku tak nak tengok, akhirnya sampai..("argh..aku tak suka tengok muka ko!")..mata aku tak tentu arah..mana pun aku tengok, semuanya mendatangkan kebencian, semua pun aku benci..akhirnya, aku keluar ke toilet. Tak pernah aku lepak lama dalam toilet..hampir 20 minit aku menikmati kebersihan toilet. Bila aku masuk dewan, orang dah start makan. Lama aku melangut kat meja. I stared blankly at the table cloth, the silverware..("kalau la malaysia kene gempa, memang confirm aku masuk berita tengah malam ni..")..how I hated to be there. Selera mati..tapi disebabkan makcik aku sibuk la suruh aku makan, aku ambil juga la sepinggan kueteow. Bila MC keluar je, aku..("omjey..siyes ar dorang ni..arghhh!!)..First performance dari selected people i.e makcik a.k.a adik/adik ipar orang kaya, anak saudara orang kaya, cucu saudara orang kaya, bakal menantu makcik yang adik kepada orang kaya itu..bla bla bla..betapa aku bersyukur, aku belum habis makan time tu, so I was focusing on my plate rather than on the performance. Aku dengar je suara sorang-sorang nyanyi..ergh, I rather put on my iPod right there and then! Tangan ni dah gatal nak plugged in, tapi mak ayah aku tak ajar aku jadi sebiadap itu (they never taught me all the bad stuffs..) So, I took my time, enjoying my food..("ee..baik pasang je lagu dari korang menyanyi la wey!!"). Second trip to the ladies..another 20 minute in there..aku tak pernah rasa seronok duduk dalam toilet, tapi malam tu..seronok sungguh..hahaha..bila aku masuk balik, Nasir Wahab dah habis nyanyi dah ("mak aih..ada artis ke..duhhh~~")..second artist, adakah Rohana Jalil!! ("oo ni ke minah liplapliplap dalam toilet tadi..")..dia pun nyanyi la..("kalau aku dengar iPod, org perasan tak agak2?..tensen nyeeeeeee!!!!)..For the first time in my life, I didn't clap after each performances. Benci sungguh nurulhuda ye?.."ye sangatttttttttttt!!!"

Later I realized my ayah was absent..("mane plak org tue ni..aku dah la bosan, die leh blah plak!haish!!")..I must be bored to death, sampai bini orang kaya kajang tegur aku, "boring je muka Nurul?"..haha..senyum adalah jawapan yang paling senang..ngeeeeee ("ye. sangat2 bosan.nyampah.meluat!!!)...about 3 hours later, my ayah came to me and said, "jom"..("baru nak ajak balik skang!ergghhhh!!!")..another round of salam-salam..and when I turned to my right, I saw those faces..and they saw me too..my ayah went to salam with them but not me, I just walked away..

We sat quietly while heading back home. Betapa aku benci malam itu. Aku benci berada disekeliling manusia-manusia itu. Kalau tak kerana ayah, aku tak ingin ke sana. Selama ini, aku memang sedar, kedudukan kami memang tak setaraf dengan mereka. Keluarga aku seolah-olah terpinggir dari sebarang keraian sebelum ini. Tapi kami tak rugi apa-apa. Kami tak kisah pun. Aku tak malu walaupun kami tak "sekaya" mereka. Aku tahu, sekaya mana pun manusia-manusia itu, akhirnya, dimamah ulat juga. Betapa aku benci melihat gelagat mereka. Malang bagi aku, mereka wali aku yang sah! Bilalah kebencian ini akan berakhir..mahukah aku menoktahkannya?

SomEdAy

I hope this tears will stop running someday
Someday after this darkness clear up
I hope the warm sunshine dries these tears
When I feel that I’m getting tired of looking me exhausted,
I want to give all my dreams I’ve kept hard
Every time I feel that I’m lacking in many things more than I have
I lost strength in my legs and drop down
I hope this tears will stop running someday


Someday after this darkness clear up
I hope the warm sunshine dries these tears
Everyday I hold out comforting myself “it’ll be alright”
But it makes me afraid little by little
I tell myself to believe in myself, but I don’t
Now I don’t know how longer I can hold out
But wait it’ll come
Although the night is long, the sun comes up

Someday my painful heart will get well
I hope it helps me now.
I hope God will help me
I don’t have enough confidence more and more to overcome myself
I hope this tears will stop running someday

Someday after this darkness clear up
I hope the warm sunshine dries these tears
But wait it’ll come
Although the night is long, the sun comes up

Someday my painful heart will get well

Someday… Someday…

a song by IU