y.o.U

My heart is full of rage and I am blaming you for that.

I am blaming you for putting me in this situation. It was you who made me feel horribly terrible of myself. You forced me to deal with everything alone. You purposedly forget or refused to tell me, everything about life..about my life would be so damn complicated. You chose to let me go, so that you could tell everyone, that I've grown up, become matured and can take care of myself. You opt to be ignorant of my existence..and i am blaming you for that.

I am blaming you for giving me hope. You shouldn't said anything if those words weren't true. Politeness doesn't suit you. Kind-hearted is a gesture that will take you years to master or not at all. Your innocent look, have fooled me. You have taught me the true meaning of dishonesty..and I am blaming you for that.

I am blaming you for making holes in my heart. There are countless times, when I feel like the holes just getting bigger, and it's getting harder to conceal them. You have used me in so many ways that you possible could. I believed you because it was you. I have struggled to shut each holes. I get frustrated everytime I failed to. I pray for strength because it was and still a hardwork. You wounded me and broke my heart over and over again..and I am blaming you for that.

I am blaming you for my lack in trust. How can I have faith and put my trust on anyone, when you have tarnished the sacred meaning to it. I will always have doubts, on whether or not I have make the right decisions and I will forever hate that. It's hard to trust myself yet alone another living soul..and I am blaming you for that.

I am blaming you for training me in becoming a fighter. You pushed me down. You tore me apart. I got up and healed myself. I used to grumble because I couldn't take it anymore and you won't let me give up. I cried because your regimes were getting tougher. You ignored to look into my swelled eyes. You refused to listen when I screamed "enoughhhh!!". You went off and walked away because you know I will survive, I will make it through. You know eventually I will stop crying..and I am blaming you for that.

I am blaming you for who I am now. I am blaming you for my uncertainty. I am blaming you for my optimistic mind. I am blaming you for my fears. I am blaming you for my courage. I am blaming you for my guilt. I am blaming you for my patience. I am blaming you for what you have done and still continue doing.

Yes, I am blaming you.

TimE oUt

Aku mencuri ruang dan masa untuk post ini. Post ini harus diterbitkan hari ini kerana sudah lama benar ianya bersawang di dalam otak.

Aku letih. Aku bosan...dan aku merasakan urat kesabaran aku sudah hampir putus.

Mental dan fizikal aku sudah lama menjerit minta diberi perhatian..aku yang degil menutup telinga, mengeraskan hati kerana malas mahu melayan.

Aku letih dengan kerja. Aku letih memandu pergi dan pulang kerja. Aku letih melihat orang-orang di tempat kerja.

Sila gantikan perkataan "letih" pada perenggan di atas dengan bosan. Terima kasih.

I need to regain my energy and my patience. I need to get myself together. I need a break.

It is just a matter of where and when..

10 reASonS Y

10 reasons on "Why NurulHuda should not be in the office today..."

1) Dia sangat mengantuk

2) Dia rasa malas nak kerja

3) Dia bosan

4) Dia belum dibayar gaji untuk bulan ini

5) Dia dah pasang nawaitu nak m.c hari ini

6) Dia menyampah dengan beberapa manusia di ofis

7) Dia benar-benar mahu berada di rumah pada saat dan ketika ini

8) Dia tak dapat fokus dengan kerja dia

9) Dia rasa macam dia sakit kepala

10) Dia datang kerja setiap hari, selama 5 hari seminggu tanpa gagal

~end~

NoTe

5 minutes note:

Kira-kira 10 minit lalu, aku ke main office. Aku tengok langit..subhanallah, cantik sangat. Ianya terang dan warna biru. Aku senyum sendiri..kerana pada saat dan detik itu aku rasa,

"i am blessed.."

My MeD

I totally agree!!..however, I also believe that, if you laugh hard..you will cry even harder.

Dare to prove me wrong?

Mei 2010

I miss updating my blog..not that I have plenty of stories to share..but I just miss my own blog.


Alhamdulillah, setakat sebelas hari berada dalam bulan Mei, hidup aku berjalan lancar. Well, there were a few "road-blocks" but its normal,kan? Aku amat berharap, sebuah pengakhiran yang tenang dalam bab hidup aku untuk bulan ini (amin).


Semalam waktu lunch, aku nampak dua orang pekerja sedang membersihkan rumput, mencantas pokok..terdetik di dalam hati, "mesti diorang ingat best kalau ada kat tempat aku..keje bawah air-cond, selesa..tapi aku rase, aku sanggup gak tukar tempat ngan dorang, at least, tak payah attend meeting, jawab phone calls, kejar dateline...". Manusia melihat sesuatu itu dari perspektif yang berbeza,kan?


Aku sebagai contoh, adakala menginginkan sesuatu yang belum tentu sesuai apatah lagi terbaik buat aku. Sesekali cuba membanding beza kehidupan ini dengan orang lain. "Hai la NurulHuda, bukankah apa yang kamu ada sekarang, ketentuan yang terbaik dari ALLAH swt?..sentiasalah berprasangka baik ke atas setiap sesuatu yang telah termaktub di dalam kitab kehidupan kamu ya NurulHuda.."..ya, always have and always will be..



"Kalau sudah begitu, kenapa masih ada persoalan dan perbandingan? Jalanilah kehidupan ini seadanya NurulHuda..bukankah kita sudah sama setuju?"Ya..ya tahu..anggap sajalah aku melayan perasaan di kala bosan..baru persoalan serupa itu timbul. Bottom line, I am grateful for everything I have and for everything that I do not have..

InsyaAllah, you will have a great life ahead NurulHuda..never give-up,ok!.."baek!!!!".