BiLa RasAku, BukAn RasAmu

How does it really feel when you have a crush on someone? Does it hurt? Does it complicated your life? or does it fill your life with joy? I have to say, yes to all the above. I said so because I've been through the situation countlessly. Nak kata aku pakar, tak juga tapi pengalaman macam banyak..hahahaha.

Perasaan jatuh hati pada seseorang itu is unavoidable,correct? Sama juga macam jatuh cinta. Kita tidak tahu, tidak nampak dan tidak ada sensor yang boleh warning kita. Kalau ada kan senang. It will make our lives a lot easier..agaknyalah! Yang jelas, perasaan jatuh hati itu sangat personal dan rumit untuk digambarkan. Sesiapa yang pernah melaluinya might have the smallest idea of what I'm trying to say here. Satu fakta untuk korang semua, bila aku ada crush, aku tak rasa terseksa tapi semak sahaja..ya..s.e.m.a.k..! Semak sebab aku tak mampu nak cakap to the guy yang aku suka kat dia (are sure you want to continue nurulhuda?..yes, it's either now or never..haha). Kalau ikut rasional akal, just speak up, betul tak? Tapi dek kerana peradaban adat Melayu timur, tak err..manis, kalau perempuan yang start dulu..Walaupun, konsep itu sudah tidak berapa relevan dengan cara hidup dalam abad ke-21 ini, but what can I say, "I'm an old skool..hahah". Regardless there are various ways to confess my feeling towards the guy, I still couldn't do it. Sudah faham kenapa ia menyemakkan?

Instead confessing my feeling to the guy, I told my friends about my feeling and about the guy of course! Normally, their advice would be, "bagitau je la..", "try la..mane tau rezeki.."(i love to hate them, but I can't! why do they have to be so encouraging??..huhuhu). My respond to them.."as it that's going to happen kan!" ..haha..Memang kata kerja di sini ialah cakap, tapi kekuatan dan keberanian untuk mengeluarkan kata-kata itu yang tiada ya kawan-kawan!


When I have to hide or denied my own feelings, that is the hardest part. I often asked myself, "apsal la aku suka kat mamat ni?". Unfortunately, kadang-kadang aku sendiri tiada jawapan to my own questions. As I said earlier, if I knew in advance that I'll have a crush towards that particular guy, for sure aku mengelak dan membuat lencongan. Sebab aku tahu, sampai bila pun, aku takkan mengaku pada guy yang aku suka itu. So, feeling itu, sangatlah menyemakkan hidup. To make things even worse, when my crush is visible here and there. For example, katalah, the guy is sitting across the table or right in front of me, do you seriously think, that I will be in the sound mind, to tell him, "excuse me, saya nak bagitau ni..saya cam suka kat awak la..ha'ah cam lagu david archuletta tu..penah dengar?"..(dush..dush..). Biarlah dia tak tahu, asal aku boleh tengok dia, ok tak camtu? That is why, some facts are better left unsaid..ini pun satu puaka yang menyemakkan..arghhh..


Sometimes, by having a crush, it doesn't mean I want to be noticed..is just by having that feeling, a little part of me feel contented and sometimes, that is all that I need. Although I know, I should be getting more than just being happy,correct? This unspoken feeling will remain as it is because I choose to keep it that way. Whether it has happened, will happen or is happening now as we speak. Why..? because it is just a crush and eventually, it will fade away. Macam mana aku tak tahu how it started, macam tu jugalah aku tak tahu how it ended. Until it does, can I just enjoy the feeling and be ok about it?


A crush is like having a sweet nightmare. You won't be waking up with sweats all over your face, but with a smile (agaknya la..haha). I pray for the nightmare to stop haunting me..but, what if the nightmare did turn out to be a sweet dream that later become something real?? Could be..but until it does or doesn't, having a crush is sooooo menyemakkan..*sigh*